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10 Worrying Things Researched by Scientists

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Hello and welcome back to another DailyTop10s Top 10 Video. Today we’re looking at what scientists do in their down time, when they’re not saving humanity and are just taking the piss.

10. Wet Underwear
In 1994, researchers from Trondheim, in Norway, set about answering a question that nobody asked and everybody knew already, because apparently the cancer research teams were fully staffed that day.

These researchers gave a number of men underwear of differing sizes and thicknesses, before wetting them all to different degrees. And in the end, much to their amusement and to no one’s surprise, they determined that wet underwear is uncomfortable, and that the wetter it is, the more uncomfortable it is.

9. Ethics Theft
In 2009, Philosophical Psychology published some eyebrow raising and laughably ironic research. They researched into thefts from the Philosophy sections of several university libraries, discovering that books on ethics are more likely to have been stolen than books on other subjects.

And the results weren’t marginal either. Newer, more popular books on ethics were 50% more likely to have been stolen than other books.

8. Sword Swallowing
One day, Brian Witcombe and Dan Meyer looked at a sword swallowing and asked themselves the question, “Is that dangerous?”. Apparently there was no one around to tell them, “Well, duh!” and before anyone could, they were spending time and money researching the subject.

They looked at case reports and they even enlisted the help of the Sword Swallowers’ Association, presumably just moments after learning that was actually a thing. In the end, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, they determined that while safe, it could be dangerous if performed incorrectly.

7. Hiccups
There are as many bullshit hiccup cures as there are Kardashians, and like the aforementioned family, none of them work.

However, a study in 1990 found a cure for hiccups, and one that was apparently tested on a 60-year-old woman. This cure basically involved sticking a finger up her backside and massaging her anus. We’re not sure how the researcher thought of this cure, but we like to think that he was just a pervert who got lucky.

“Your hiccups stopped, you say? Well, of course that’s what I was doing. Now, if I can just remove my penis…”

6. Unicorns
Apparently, North Koreans believe in unicorns and the existence of unicorn lairs. But they also believe that a stumpy, 4-foot imbecile could be the greatest basketball player in the history of the world.

To determine if we have actually been wrong to mock the North Koreans all this time, a researcher from King’s College London set out to discover if unicorns were real.

After what we imagine was a very short study, she determined that they were not real, and gave us all free rein to mock the North Koreans again.

5. Farting in Defence
In 1996, an author by the name of Mara Sidoli set out to discover if flatulence could be a self-defence mechanism, aiming to determine whether or not farting could be an effective defence against “unspeakable dread”.

Sidoli outlined the case of a boy who had apparently used his smelly arse for that exact purpose, becoming a superhero of sorts, albeit one who was always one strain away from shitting himself.

The report was interesting, and rife with descriptive and amusing language, but ultimately, it was nonsense.

4. Honey Bees on Coke
Scientists are messed up. And if you ever needed proof of that, this study is it.

After determining that humans on cocaine turn into sweaty, annoying twats who won’t stop dancing, and then remembering that honey bees communicate by dancing, scientists decided to mess with the animal kingdom once more, all while recording the results.

The most interesting thing they discovered was that coked-up bees that have just found a food source, will always exaggerate their find, much like your coke-fiend friend who insists his penis is the size of the Channel Tunnel and that he once shagged Mila Kunis behind a bus shelter in Bournemouth.

3. Beer Bottles
The weapon of choice for Glaswegians, a beer bottle can make you smile like The Joker and, according to one pointless study, it can also fracture your skull.

It’s nice to know that a beer bottle can fracture a skull. Because when the zombie apocalypse begins, we plan to sit around getting drunk all day and now we know that drinking can also be  form of self-defence. But the bulk of this study was incredibly pointless.

They basically wanted to know whether a full bottle or an empty bottle would strike with more power, because apparently they were new to science.

2. What Does Cat Food Taste Like?
Yesterday, my cat ate an elastic band and the day before he ate a mouse that I’m pretty sure had been dead for several weeks. Three weeks ago, he drank stagnant rain water even though his water bowl was in the kitchen just a few feet away. Yet, he’ll turn his nose up at the brand of food I give him and will piss on my pillow if I try to feed him dry food.

Cats are bastards, and picky ones at that. Which is what Professor Gary Pickering had in mind when he decided to “profile the flavour” of several brands of cat food, using human subjects to do so. This study didn’t really prove anything or fix anything, but Professor Pickering tricked several people to eat cat food in the name of science, so he had the last laugh.

1. Penis Size
Look, we get it. Not all scientists are working on a cure for cancer. There are plenty of other equally important studies that need….studying. But the guys who invested time and money into researching how foot size correlates to penis size clearly need to rediscover their priorities. This study was done by the University College, London, who discovered that men with big feet might have big socks and big shoes, but they don’t necessarily have big penises.

A similar study performed in Greece measured many different parts of the body to determine if they correlated to penis size, and they determined that a bigger index finger does, apparently, correlate to a bigger penis.

On an unrelated note, my index finger is huge.

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